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Ah, the 7th anniversary of my 30th birthday. What should I do? Celebrate with my family? Buy a new purse? Have a spa day? No…those things are too mainstream. How about I do something totally unexpected? I know, I know…a colonoscopy prep sounds like just what the doctor ordered (literally)! I will fast all day, sustained only by broth. Then I will drink something horrible, spend time alone, sleep a little, get up at 3:30 AM to drink more horrible, spend more time alone, then go to the doctor for a look-see into my insides. YES! That’s it! This 30+7 girl really knows how to celebrate! Cue music!

The Day Before the Day Before:

The prep paperwork says I must consume a low-fiber diet. No fresh fruit and vegetables, no nuts, no bread of any kind of nutritional value. My only choice is to consume a cheeseburger and banana hot fudge milkshake for dinner. This is my last meal.

The Day Before:

7:45–wake up, grab iPad, play Words With Friends, sip coffee. Then I realized it was the Day Before. I thought it was prudent to weigh myself to see if there will be any noticeable difference after the “cleaning out”. (Note: I will refer to my weight as my pre-Texas weight. When I moved here from California, it turned out that I did want gravy on that, so I’ve put on a few pounds. I know, more of me to love, right?) Current weight: 125.8 pounds. Moving back to Words With Friends. I need to get that J on a Triple Letter space.

10:45–I am hungry for breakfast. So I watch a documentary about fracking. Very informative. Kind of food for thought. (Fracking is the practice of gleaning natural gas from the Earth, but in the process, our water sources get contained with chemicals and I want a burrito.)

12:45–A pang of hunger twists my insides. So I watch a documentary about raising chimps as humans. My son is eating a microwave corn dog.

4:17–Time for medicine. I take 4 laxative tablets and mix my solution for later: 64 ounces of Gatorade mixed with FOURTEEN once a day doses of Miralax. I put it in the fridge for later. Current weight: 125.4 pounds.

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6:30-7:30–8 ounces of Gatorade/Miralax every 15 minutes. At first it tastes like Mixed Berry, then it tastes like poison.

8:43– 123.2 pounds

8:58–Shut up, I’m hungry.

9:00–Crap, this is my bedtime, but I don’t know if I should take my sleepy medicine and go to sleep, because, well, crap.

3:24 AM–I’m awake. I’m drinking the solution. Jeremy got up with me. So nice. Current weight: 122.3.

4:11–Jeremy can kiss my ass. He’s over there eating some kind of breakfast croissant thing. I can smell bacon and preservatives. My mouth is watering. Current weight: LESS THAN MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY FOOD IN MY BELLY.

6:30–Leave the house. It’s 23 degrees outside.

7:12–Arrival. The office has an outer door that has an intercom so you can be buzzed in. I guess there are a lot of dishonest people in Austin trying to break in for colonoscopy procedures. (What is this world coming to?) I go in and get all hooked up and wheeled to the Procedure Room. They drug me up with Propofol and I immediately drift off. The next thing I know, I am awake and asking for coffee and bacon. Dr. S reports that my colon is all sparkly clean and that they will test for a wheat allergy. He also said Irritable Bowel Syndrome is the culprit.

10:00–Jeremy takes me the The Pancake House, where I indulge in everything. Current weight: 125.8!

So that’s it. Everything you ever wanted to know about a colonoscopy prep and procedure. I guess everything came out just fine. ;-)