If I were to paint a picture of what this stupid cancer means to my life, I envision a paved road with me speeding along in a little car, coming up to a giant mountain smack dab in the middle of my way. There would be no way to go around the mountain, because there would be a precipitous cliff on one side dropping down to crashing ocean, and an even bigger mountain on the other side.
This has for sure taken over every moment of my life. I am now over month out from my surgery and now I’m facing more bad stuff. I know the docs couldn’t foresee this, but the surgery and the just hormone therapy is out. Now they are saying chemotherapy AND radiation. Chemo due to the aggressive nature of the tumors, and radiation due to a positive margin. (positive margin means that there is a tiny bit of the cancer cells left).
The decision to go through both of these therapies is due to my abundant youth. They are saying things like 10-15-20 year prognoses. If you think about it, in 20 years I’ll only be 55. I really have a lot of living left to do.
When Dr. D confirmed my fear of having to go through chemotherapy, he gently told me that I would more than likely lose my hair. I don’t know what my face did, but he looked uncomfortable and inched a tissue box closer to me. My husband leaned in to put his arm around me and I. Just. Sat. There. Both men were oozing uncomfortableness, but I only asked a few more questions and wondered when I could leave. Dr. D referred me to Dr. C, who would eventually tell me that I would also get to experience six weeks of radiation treatments. I listened to her talk too, also wondering when I could leave.
But you see what I mean about the mountain? It seems like I am frozen in time. I can’t go forward at all, because that stupid monolith is blocking my path. If I really get logical, I can see that this is just a mere moment in time. I have lived until this diagnosis, and if I follow all of the rules of treatment, I will live long after they say I’m cured. Unfortunately, this logic business is really tough to grasp right now. And that mountain seems ginormous and possibly slimy. It’s probably a zombie hideout or some kind of not-so-dormant volcano.