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This may be the sign that I am actually losing it…

On Thursday after school, I was the only office staff person left in the building. I made preparations to leave, but when I got to the front doors, I noticed that some pretty epic rain was falling in ark-worthy torrents. I made a face and whined a little bit as I had no coat, no umbrella, and an irrational fear that if I got my wig wet I would smell like a wet dog.

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We have a small parking lot in front of the school, and I always park in one of the farthest spots from the front doors. I do this because I feel guilty parking any closer. We have mommies that have to get kids in wheelchairs in the doors, so they should get the closer parking. (We also have mommies that have babies and toddlers, and if you have ever had to lug a baby sister or baby brother around while dropping off the big kids, you know that you deserve special parking too.)

I stepped outside and looked longingly at my far away parking spot. Stupid me and my stupid rules! I have been diagnosed with cancer! Why am I still worried about everybody else? Suddenly I realized that I was not being rational about the wig. Everybody was gone, so why didn’t I just take the wig off, stuff it in my shirt (I got another fill in my tissue expanders, so I actually have a cleavage spot–perfect wig hiding), and run like crazy to the car? But no, there was no way that I was going to bare the bald, even in bad weather with nobody around.

I went back inside the building and thought everything through again. That’s when I noticed the pile of lost and found coats in the corner of the entry way. Success! I would just borrow a coat or sweatshirt from one of my forgetful friends! I went over to the pile and began rummaging. Have you ever smelled the lost and found pile? It’s kind of musty, kind of sour, and slightly damp. Yuck. But I managed to pick up one windbreaker that seemed kind of okay. When I shook it, leaves and sand fell out and I realized that these coats had been the ones left lying on the playground. I don’t know why, but I immediately imagined that some squirrel has peed on this jacket…so I threw it down in horror. Then I laughed at myself, because, really? Squirrel pee? Then I reached in again and attempted to pull a different coat out and made a realization that is way more important that squirrel bathroom time. And that is LICE. Everybody knows that you don’t share hats and hoods at elementary school! I do not want creepy-crawlies in my wig!

So I went out the doors again and ran the 50 steps to my car. My wig got wet, but of course it didn’t smell at all. DUH. It’s synthetic and has nothing to do with a dog or any other kind of animal. When I got home, I hung it up to dry and the next day it was fine.

So the moral of this story is…

Um…

I don’t know if I actually learned ANYTHING here.

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