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I’m hot. Not hawt…hot…as in temperature and sweat.

Hot flashes are bad. Really, really bad. It is not an understatement to say that I SUFFER from hot flashes. They started right after my second dose of poison chemotherapy, and they haven’t let me forget their existence since then. I told Dr. D about these “oh-God-how-did-I-end-up-on-the-surface-of-the-sun” moments, and he said that due to the chemo, my ovaries were “mad at me” and shutting down. Huh. First, my ovaries should realize that the chemo was necessary just in case a random cancer cell broke free from my breast and made its way down there. Second, my ovaries sound really immature. Couldn’t we just talk about it and find a more peaceful resolution? And third, does Dr. D realize that it’s CRAZY to think that internal organs have emotions?

Some of you will scoff at the idea of suffering from hot flashes–but you need to know that this is way more than just being hot. It starts in my head and sweat beads pop out of every pore on my body. I can be sitting perfectly still and end up drenched in sweat. I was waking up in the middle of the night, completely miserable. And the time I was taking Tamoxifen? Even worse. These moments leave me a little weak and a lot upset. No book, magazine, file folder, or iPad is safe during a hot flash: I can make a fan out of anything. For a while, I was blotting my sweaty face with tissues and napkins, but since I’m me, I realized that sometimes it’s all about the accessories. I ordered these little embroidered handkerchiefs so I could dab my glistening visage with a little class:

The hot flashes are a sign that my body is going through The Change that is usually reserved for ladies much older than me. But at 36 years old, I’ve been thrown into early menopause (cancer people call it “chemopause”). I tried several remedies: Black Cohosh, increasing Magnesium intake, more soy, less soy, turning the air conditioner down to -5, etc. None of it really worked. Finally, Dr. D prescribed something a little stronger, which did lessen the hot flashes a little bit. But along with hot flashes came other issues caused by The Change, the biggest being gaining weight. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. Yuck.

As usual, I’ve done extensive research on this topic, and last week, I had way less hot flashes than usual. I am almost embarrassed to admit how I made these little devil hot flashes decrease. After trying endless remedies, lamenting with great passion, and going broke from keeping my house freezing, I found a solution. Somehow, some way, all those doctors are onto something. I got in some kind of workout every day last week and I ate an incredible amount of fruits and vegetables. I did not touch any kind of beverage except water and coffee. And lo and behold: less heat. ARGHHH! THE DOCTORS WERE RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME. ONCE AGAIN, THE ANSWER TO LIFE’S PROBLEMS CAN BE SOLVED WITH DIET AND EXERCISE. (Dammit.)

So the only way I can really combat the effects of chemopause (suffering from the effects of having the bowels of Hell living in my skin) is to get all skinny and fit. Great. Now all these other moms are going to be jealous of my shrinking body. I guess that’s something that just can’t be avoided though. It’s a burden I’ll just have to bear. 😉

Did I mention I’m hot?